Secret Embrace
How do you like my poem, "Adonai, I embrace"
The minds of this age think odd,
And how they worship a different "god."
Instead, I will honor the God unknown in modern times,
A God known to my forefathers as Adonai, I will advance
His Glory with immortal rhymes.
"Oh Adonai," I exalt, "thinking of You makes my heart race,"
"Come, lets meet in Our Secret Place."
I wonder, with great amazement, at all the good things You
Caused to be,
Yet, not so high that You can't say, "Suffer the little children
Come unto Me."
Accordingly, I look to the sky and see all the bald children
Climbing up the stairs,
Ascending into heaven, where Adonai give them hairs.
Next, I look to the earth where the sheep answer Adonai's
Call to graze in the lands of Israel,
Whereas, the goats answer the call of the goat to the
Lands of ancient Greece for his meal.
Oh Adonai, You are the God I embrace,
As my poetic expressions exalt You beyond the Song of Songs
In Our Secret Place."
I love You, my God
I appreciate your effort to make the poem rhyme. However, the first line in particular seems like it's trying too hard to rhyme with the second line. You use four different rhyme schemes throughout the poem; it would read more smoothly if you could find a way to use just one or at the most two. This is the rhyme scheme I noticed in the poem: aa/bcb/dd/efgf/hiij/klk/mnm.
The content of the poem is good. If there were a way for you to shorten the length of the lines and balance them out (long line/long line or long line/short line) throughout the poem, it would read more smoothly and sound more poetic. Like this, for example: I wonder with amazement/At the things You caused to be. Each line has seven syllables, and a minimum of words that still convey the same idea.
Best phrase from the poem: "Advance his glory with immortal rhymes."
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